where are you..
i stare at my english assignment. and i wonder to myself what's the reason i am writing this crap. what is the purpose. why am i even studying. if my life is gona be so boring, full or work and due dates, then i would rather choose not to be born. what is the point. what is the point. im not enjoying it one bit. nah-uh.
i wake up so early everyday, just to get to school in time. but i've never asked myself. why am i rushing to school. is it because i like studying. is it because of my friends. or is it because i have to. what is the point of rushing to school everyday, afraid to be late, and not enjoy the rest of the day in school, except maybe my cca. now that i've asked myself. i couldn't give myself an answer. im so lost in reality. that i yearn for a release. into another world. where there are no work loads, no due dates, no..you.
sometimes you linger around in my mind, my thoughts, and i tried brushing you away like an irritating pest that has bugged me for ages. finally, i thought i had succeeded. but when i saw you again that day, it all returned to square one. why did you come into my life. it was all perfect before you left. now that you're gone, i feel shattered. but when i tried forgetting you, you appeared in front of me again, and left. again. and then i couldn't brush that feeling off my head, my heart. you have me entangled. yes you have.
how long, how long. will i slide. seperate my sight.
how long, will i slide. in this reality. how long, will i slide. into a world without you. how long, will i slide. how long.
i feel so very disorientated. i need someone in my life. someone who can make my day, any day. anytime. anywhere. anyhow. someone who can make me smile at her sight. someone who can guide me in this reality. someone who appreciates me. someone who makes cards for me for no reason. describing how much she appreciates me for being me, and for being hers. i yearn. for that someone. wherever you are. i really hope to find you soon.
my mum just made a cup of hot chocolate for me after seeing that i still have to rush work at such late hours. i stare at the cup of hot chocolate. and i felt all warm and fuzzy inside. at least i know, there is still someone in my life who will look over me, taking care to my every little needs. thank you mum. i appreciate you.
to me, i cannot find any specific strengths in myself. yes perhaps i can play the guitar, slap some bass and improvise some chords on the piano. but all in all, i am even worse than ryan chan in my studies. i cannot focus on what i am doing. i cannot focus on what is more important. i get distracted whenever i sit in front of my computer. just like now. when im supposed to be worried about not being able to complete my maths portfolio on time, here i am blogging away my inner thoughts.
my father just came home. and the first thing he did was to complain why i have the bad habit of doing last minute work late at night and not complete them in the day. my first impulse was to scream out, what the fuck i have been trying to finish my never ending workload since i woke up and you have already left home for work. what do you know about me. you don't know anything about me. although you claim to understand teenagers because you had been through this 'stage'. i hate to hear nonsense like these come out from your mouth. but when i really look at himin the eyes after his complaint, i realise that all that, had just been words of concern. words of concern from a busy father, who only comes back home late at night to see his tired and worn out son still at his work, to his son. i held back my tears then, as they struggled to burst through my tear ducts. i remained silent as he drone on and on until he finally went into the bathroom. i looked at my cup of chocolate, which had already turned cold. and i thought to myself. what will happen if im gone one day. will my parents miss me. will anyone else besides my parents miss me. am i of any significance to this world. i don't think so.
i see people in my class who are good in maths, i tried to follow their examples. i tried catching up with them. but to no avail. i see people in my class who are good in chemistry, i tried to learn writing equations and balancing them from them. i tried to learn finding molecular formulas from them. but to no avail. i see people in my class who are good in sports. i know it myself, so does everyone else, that im weak physically. not that i don't want to train or tone my body. i can't..i tried playing basketball, and making it my favourite sport. but i realise, soon, that i can't even last half a normal basketball match. i have psychomoto with my lay-ups. i have lost touch ever since i gave up on basketball. so i tried going to music. i joined mep in secondary one. it was quite ok. secondary two. it got a bit harder to cope. end of secondary two, i quitted mep when i found out that we are learning history of music in secondary three.
i have piano lessons every thursday. yes, i used to love going to piano lessons. not until i had to change from going to plaza singapura every saturday to going to my teacher's house in eunos every thursday after school. i dread travelling that far, to get screwed up for my disgusting sight reading, and then travel a long way home, just to face my work load again. however, when you were still in my life, i could meet you sometimes after my thursday lessons. and that motivated me to go for my lessons. but now that you are gone, so did my motivation.
this coming tuesday, 25th july, would be my grade 7 ABRSM piano exam. and this is the first time i am actually not intending to do anything about it, even though i am really worried that i may fail. i look at fingers, and i thought to myself. why have i been learning the piano for so long. is it because of a childhood interest that slowly dies off as age progresses. or is it because i am destined to promise her that i will play for her 'feng' on a white grand piano, on a wide meadow, and let her slip away from my hands before that could even happen. anyway, back to the piano exam. i look at my exam pieces book. i have been using it since the end of last year. am i enjoying what i have been playing inside that book. am i enjoying playing the pieces to my teacher every week for her to criticise on my lack of musical details. nah-uh.
all in all. i regretted living in this reality. where i meant no significance to anyone. where i used to think i actually mean a lot to someone. where i thought i had talents that no one else could have. where i thought i had the intellect to make it into raffles institution. where i had lost everything that meant so dear to me. where i lost, you..where are you. i need you back in my life, even though im trying to convince myself at this very minute that i don't. i need you. where are you..
`cher!sh~
[12:17:00 AM]
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